


Letting Go To Come Back

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Challenge: birthdya, Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:43:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Blair reveal their feelings for each other while thousands of miles apart. Submitted for James's birthdya challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go To Come Back

I humbly offer up my birthday gift to James. It contains teddybears, the basket, a sad start but a happy ending. The only thing I couldn't weave into it was a crossover. Maybe in another story. It's written slightly differently, it's a letter from Jim and a letter from Blair. 

## Letting Go to Come Back

By Beltane

Dear Blair, 

I guess if you're reading this you must have been hugging Fred. I'm glad. No, that's a lie, Blair. I'm not glad. I'm not sure what I feel right now, but I have to try and tell you. 

I miss you. You haven't even left for Borneo yet, but to me you're already gone. I'm writing this the day before you left, while you're at the University making sure everything is ready. I don't think I've ever seen you more excited Chief. 

That day, two weeks ago when you came back to the loft is burned into my mind forever. Your eyes flashed so blue, and I could taste your excitement. You couldn't stand still as you told me about the great offer you'd just accepted, an expedition to Borneo for six months, all expenses paid. It was everything you'd ever wanted, to be chosen for something like this. You were so proud of yourself. 

I hated you. 

For a split second, I hated you. All I could think of was that you were leaving me, leaving us. Did you think about me, Blair, when you accepted the offer? About us? I had always thought the saying "a broken heart" was just a saying but now I know it can happen, because I swear my heart broke in tiny pieces when you said you were leaving. 

No, I'm sorry, that's not fair to ask if you thought about us, because you didn't know there was an us, did you? Only in my dreams and fantasies is there an us. 

After you told me, you finally stood still, waiting for me to say something. I could see it in your eyes, almost begging me to be proud of you, while all I wanted to do was scream "NO, you can't leave me Blair, you can't go!" But I didn't. I swallowed my words and just smiled at you, telling you more lies than I thought I could ever make up. How proud I was for you, how I knew you'd enjoy it, and how of course, I didn't mind you going. After all, I hadn't zoned for months, so I'd be fine. You go to Borneo, Chief. Who knows, you might find another Sentinel out there. You go, Chief, and if you come back to Cascade when you finish, look me up, ok? Sure, I'll store your stuff for you, no worries. Lies. So many lies. Lies to cover what I really felt to make sure you didn't know. 

For a moment I thought I saw something in your eyes, thought you were going to say something, but you turned away chattering madly about what you had to pack, and how you knew I'd be so happy to have the loft to myself again. 

How wrong you were, Blair. How utterly and completely wrong. 

I once read a story somewhere that said if you loved something, you had to let it go if it wanted to be free. And if it was destined to be, that thing you loved would return to you of its' own free will. If you tried to hold that thing against its' will, then you would kill any love that might have been. 

I love you Blair, so I had to let you go. 

Why am I telling you this now, when you are thousands of miles away from me? I don't really know love. All I know is that I do have to tell you, even if this is the only time you hear it. I just want you to know. No, I need you to know. 

I love you Blair. With all my heart and soul. I will always love you, no matter what. 

I've been in love with you almost since the first moment we met, when I pushed you up against the wall in your office. I felt a connection then, for that brief moment. All those times I've been able to hold you, after the Golden, when you've been hurt, have been such sweet torture Blair. So close, but so far. It's funny. You've always thought of me as straight Jim. The tough cop, down the line, everything by the book. I threw away the book a long time ago, Blair. I've been with other men, but I've never loved another man. Until you came along. 

As I'm writing this Blair, I'm looking at Fred sitting on the table in front of me. But Fred is not alone, he has a friend with him. I bought two bears, Blair. One for you and one for me. I need something to remember you with, love. When I go to bed, I'm going to take my bear and imagine I'm holding you. Silly? Strange, for a man like me? I don't care. And when I leave of a morning to go to work alone, I'm going to put my bear in the basket by the front door so he's the last thing I see when I leave and the first thing I see in when I come home to an empty loft. But I'll imagine you holding your bear and maybe I'll get through this. Maybe. 

I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty, Chief. I don't expect you to come storming back home after you read this, declaring your undying love for me because I know that's only in my dreams. And please, don't hate me for telling you this either. I know you're probably pretty shocked about what I've said, but don't hate me for what I feel about you. Please, do anything but hate me. 

I better finish this up, you're due back soon. Tomorrow I'll drive you to the airport and watch you get on that plane, so eager for the trip. I'll joke and laugh with you, say goodbye like friends, tell you to take care of yourself, and not to get attacked by any natives. Then you'll walk away, not looking back. And my heart will break all over again and I'll go home alone. 

I'm letting you go, Blair, because I love you. 

Love, 

Jim 

* * *

My dearest, beloved Jim, 

Yes Jim, I have been hugging Fred. A lot, everyday and night I 've been away from you. But he's no substitute for what I really want. You. 

You can't imagine my reaction when I found the box in my luggage. It blew me away to think you'd remembered that conversation from months ago, how I'd once had a bear called Fred but he'd been lost in one of the many moves Naomi and I made. Naomi didn't think, for all her liberal views, that a boy with teddybear was a good thing, so she never bought me another one. You even remembered how I described him. Thank you Jim. No-one's ever done anything like that for me before. Ever. 

Why didn't you tell me that you love me? All this time I've waited and hoped that one-day you'd show some sign of wanting me, some small sign that you could love a man, love me. But you never did. God, I've been so stupid. We both have. 

Why do you think I accepted this trip, Jim? Not because I really wanted to, or even needed to. But because I had to get away before I broke down and told you how I loved you, how I wanted and needed you. I thought you could never love a man, let alone me. Let's face facts, Jim. My track record with love is lousy. Love 'em and leave 'em before they got to close, before I started to feel something for them. Until I met you. That day in my office was like spring after winter. Everything I ever wanted was standing in front of me, confused and unsure of what he was going through. And so straight, or so I thought. 

It's my turn to say it. 

I love you Jim. 

I love all of you Jim, but what I cherish the most at the moment is the fact that you let me go. You let me go because you love me. I'm shaking, Jim, realising how much you love me. I don't think I could have done what you did. I think I would have begged you to stay, pleaded with you not to leave me alone. You are so brave, Jim, with a strength I know will be deep enough to carry both of us if we ever need it. But this I swear to you. I will never leave you again. The Guide will never leave his Sentinel's side. 

Fred is sitting in my lap as I re-read you letter for the hundredth time, Jim, and write this to you. He's kind of damp from me crying all over him. I'm not sure why I'm crying. Maybe because it took so long for us to show our feelings, or maybe because we are so far apart now when we should be together. I wish you were here with me. The jungle is so alive, Jim, you would love it. I can imagine us here together if I close my eyes. Making love under the canopy of trees, just being together. I miss you so much Jim. Outside where I am it's raining Jim. Soft, gentle rain making everything so clear. 

I love you Jim. Now and for always. 

Hate you for loving me Jim? Never in a million years. That would be like hating myself for loving you. And I do love you, so very much. I can't wait till we're together again and I can show you *exactly* how much I love you. I've dreamed of you kissing me, running your hands over my body, how it would feel, how I would come, calling your name. Then I dream of touching you, tasting every inch of you till you come, calling my name. I'm stunned , Jim, realising that my dreams, our dreams, are going to become reality. 

I've got no idea if this letter will even reach you in Cascade before I come home. Yes, Jim, I'm coming home. To you, forever. No study, no ancient tribe, nothing is more important to me than being by your side, both as your lover and your Guide. The only thing that is keeping me here now is the jungle. As soon as I can, I'll be on the first plane back to Cascade. Back to you. 

So, Jim, if you do get this before I get home, do something for me. Tonight when you go to bed, hug your bear tightly and dream of me, as I have been hugging Fred and dreaming of you love. Soon, it will be me you're hugging. Me, the first thing you'll see when you wake of a morning, and me, the last thing you'll see as you go to sleep held tightly in my arms, safe and warm. 

And I promise you Jim, you will never be alone again. 

I'm coming back Jim, because you let me go. 

Love 

Blair

* * *

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